Commonly Misused Words and Phrases
The English language can be hard to grasp, especially when new and exciting words like “yolo” and “swag” are being implemented into our vocabulary daily. I know Drake said to thank him later, but I will thank him now for polluting our speech with his balderdash. That being said, there are a select few words and phrases that I have noticed young people overuse and misuse constantly, and as an uptight know it all, it pisses me off.
This one LITERALLY drives me crazy! But seriously, almost every time I hear somebody use the word literally, they say something like “I’m literally going to kill you.” Oh, are you actually going to murder me and spend the rest of your life in prison? Or are you just really mad and maybe you are going to figuratively kill me instead? Asshole. The reason this one really bugs me is because I believe the people who misuse this actually do know the meaning, but rather choose to abuse it because it sounds super cool to exaggerate or something. I don’t know, but fucking stop it!
This one drives me nuts. “Bro, I just took a huge shit, isn’t that ironic?” No, it’s fucking NOT. Just because something miniscule or even super neat happens does NOT make it ironic. Irony is a bit difficult to define, but for the most part it’s when the opposite of what is planned/expected/wished upon happens. For instance, Martin Luther King Jr. spent most of his life fighting for peace and civil rights, but was violently murdered for doing so. Irony. Not “OMG I saw Jake at that party with another girl, he was like all over her. That’s so ironic.” Another example of irony would be somebody falling asleep during the movie Inception. Not surprising, but yes, ironic.
I.E. vs E.G.
This one doesn’t bother me so much, as I was once a culprit of their misuse. But I still find it important to make the difference known. I.E. is an abbreviation for the Latin words Id Est, which translates to “that is.” For example, “He was murdered; i.e., found dead hanging from a noose with his boner out and whipped cream on his nipples.” I.E. is used to state something more clearly. E.G. is Latin for exempli gratia, which translates to “for the sake of example.” Basically, e.g. is used when giving specific examples, plain and simple. For EXAMPLE, “I was so shitfaced last night, I drank just about everything; e.g., whiskey, vodka, rum, cat piss, bbq sauce.” For the sake of not sounding stupid to my grandparents, I was forced to learn this early and humiliatingly.
Pristine is commonly used to describe something clean and tidy. While it is generally accepted that way, its real definition is to mean something that is in its original form, or the very original state of something, not necessarily clean. For example, a house with all the original floorboards, roof, etc. would be considered pristine, but not because it was scrubbed and vacuumed. I honestly did not know this before my “research” began, but now I’m glad I do. Pass on the info students.
I Could Care Less
When you say “I could care less,” what you mean is that you don’t care at all. But by saying that phrase, what you are really saying is that you care somewhat, because there is a possibility of you caring less than what you care now. Idiot. Say it correctly. I COULDN’T care less. This one is actually pretty easy to understand, so no excuses people.
He Did a Complete 360
What you mean to say is he did a complete 180, but I’ve heard this one all too often. When you say that someone did a 360, what does that mean, that they changed their mind but then changed it back all within 2 seconds? A 360 gets you back to where you were standing in the first place. DOH!
This word simply means to talk to someone like they are retarded. I’ve heard this word tossed around when people are upset but I don’t believe many grasp the actual way to use it. Another example would be somebody telling someone they did a great job when both parties know damn well they screwed the pooch. So now do you know what to patronize someone means? If not, I can speak slower for you.
I’ve been hearing this mispronunciation more and more it seems. It’s not COUNCIL, but rather CONSOLE. My girlfriend says council all the time and I’m seriously considering breaking up with her just because of it. Also she’s anti-Semitic.
It’s just not a word. It doesn’t exist. The word is regardless. Christ.
I hope I didn’t come off as too self-righteous, but that being said, you ARE all stupid and I’m smarter than you. I hope this was enlightening, and so ends another lesson from Uncle Mike. Stay in school kids.
by Uncle Mike