Casting The Perfect Heist Film
As a man there’s nothing I enjoy more than a heist film. Heat, The Town, Fast Five, The Italian Job, Bottle Rocket, Reservoir Dogs, and of course The Great Muppet Caper – these are the films that’ll put hair on your beanbag. These films have an airtight formula, get some hard as fuck bro’s, maybe a hot chick or two, and come together like the motherfuckin’ Power Rangers Zord to steal some shit. It can’t fail, it’s like convincing Johnny Depp to play an Indian – nothing but stacks on top of stacks. I love it when a gang comes together to ruin someone’s world, and because of that I’m going to use this article as a writing exercise to create my own perfect heist film cast. So let’s set up this cast for what would be a great heist film plot.
***Important Side-Note: For those of you that care, I left out the Oceans 11 movies because they suck; both the originals and the remakes. The original is a musical that doesn’t involve John Waters and the remakes are two hours of multi-millionaires jacking off in front of each other. If I want to watch a movie of Brad Pitt eating snack foods I’ll pop in my special edition of Moneyball.
A retired cat burglar named Cougar Helix who specialized in fine art theft just finished his biggest job of airlifting the Sistine Chapel and selling it to some guy who looks like Jasmine’s dad in Aladdin. Helix with all the money he’ll ever need decides to settle down with his girlfriend, Eeyore, in what looks like a really nice hotel in Dubai. One day Eeyore is out picking up groceries and an evil robotics engineer from Japan named Professor Hachi, spots her sensually eating a baguette or some shit. On a whim Hachi decides to abduct her Taken-style and make her his in-home sex slave. After finding out who took her Cougar Helix discovers that this evil robotics engineer also has locked away…. the bones of Godzilla! Which are of course some of the most sought out fortunes in the world of treasure hunting. Knowing he can’t rescue Eeyore alone, Helix reaches out to his fellow thieves to retrieve Godzilla’s bones, as well as Eeyore. As music by The Chemical Brothers plays it becomes apparent, that everyone is coming back for ONE… LAST… JOB.
Every heist movie has these 7 characters, and these are who would play mine.
This is the Cougar Helix character. He is the protagonist and the center of the entire movie. For my movie I’d get Idris Elba, because I want to shake up the system and have a black lead with a white supporting cast – plus, Stringer Bell is the fuckin’ jam. Elba is one of the dopest actors on the planet, and I’m tired of watching that guy play supporting roles in heist films like Takers and The Losers. Those directors are losers, because they didn’t let fuckin’ Luther get all up in there as the lead and rip someone’s head off like he’s Liam Neeson with a wolf.
This is the Eeyore character, for her I’d get none other than Kate Middleton. You know why people now give a shit about the ‘Royal Wedding’ and the ‘Royal Baby?’ It’s because they want to bury their face in Kate Middleton’s ‘Royal Crevice’ – men and women alike. I’m pickin’ Middleton to prove the point that it don’t matter how fire hot the smokestack in a heist movie is, because…she’s a broad. So she ultimately does nothing but slows the movie down and makes everyone sad. Just. Like. Eeyore. Does.
The Inside Man
This is the guy who will come into the movie and seem like Cougar Helix’s best friend. The audience will love him, and then….WHAM-O, he’s working for Professor Hachi. I’m going to name this guy Jimmy ‘Ram Jam’ Peterson, and he’ll be played by Hugh Jackman. See, Jackman is perfect for this role because he plays nothing but good guys. He’s Wolverine, Van Helsing, the dad in Happy Feet, and that gay dude in Les Mis. He’s too likeable to not trust at the beginning of the movie, hence the shock factor when he betrays Cougar Helix. Jackman will apprehend Idris in a hotel room and show him pictures of him banging his widowed mother. Cougar will cry as Jimmy Peterson will laugh, make car revving noises and yelling “RAM JAM!”
The Old Timer
Every good heist movie needs a Donald Sutherland, Carl Reiner, Tyrese Gibson type old man character. He’s there to give the group one good idea over the entire movie, and for the rest of time to fall asleep inappropriately and be made fun of. He has to have a name that makes him sound rich, which is why in my movie he’ll be named Reginald Hurtz. He can be played by Danny DeVito, who will dress and act just like he does as Frank Reynolds in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Because if you want to play an old guy in a heist movie you should be bald, look good in a Hawaiian shirt and appear to be doing a copious amounts of cocaine. I can’t wait to hear Hugh Jackman make the joke “No, lookin’ at that bald head of yours it what HURTZ!!!”
The Good Looking Dude
There’s a reason that in The Italian Job Statham’s character’s name was ‘Handsome Rob’ and there’s a reason Bradley Cooper is in those Hangover movies. It’s cause if you’re runnin’ crew, you need a dude who can bang his way out of a situation at any given moment. You also need that moment in the movie when everyone is tied up for the good lookin’ guy to be like “not the face,” when some henchmen is knockin’ peoples teeth out. Because you really need this character to be funny as well as good looking I would cast British sex symbol Russell Brand – cause in Forgetting Sarah Marshall that dude is lights out funny. And if the remake of Arthur proved anything it’s that Brand is far better as a supporting character, and not a lead.
You know what I fuckin’ hate, how now all these heist movies need like 20 different nerds. One that blows shit up, one that does computers, one that does fake mustaches – people, take a note from one of the greatest cinematic achievements in years Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Besides the genius of having Tom Cruise in a hoody this movie got it right with one nerd, Benji played by Simon Pegg. This guy built gadgets, hacked security systems, and he kept the crew tight numbers wise. I’d give my guy a worse name than Benji, like Pepe. He’d wear a newsies cap and skip a lot and wear suspenders, and he’d of course be played by Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Cause it’d be hilarious to see The Rock play a nerd, and any successful heist movie needs The Rock. He is a bona fide franchise saver (Fast Furious, G.I. Joe, Walking Tall 2: Walking Taller).
Finally, the bad guy – Professor Hachi. I named him Professor Hachi cause ‘hachi’ is Japanese for eight. And basically I want this guy to travel around in a giant mechanical spider because Wild Wild West fucked up what should’ve been epic transportation. In my movie he’ll be played by wonderful comedian Sinbad. Not only is Sinbad that kind of light skinned black that could pull off Japanese but he’s just a born bad guy. The way he was a horrible house guest to Phil Hartman and his wife leading them towards that murder suicide. Or the way he sexually harassed the first kid – he’s fuckin’ dangerous. In this movie he needs to be straight up driving around a mechanical spider, torching orphanages and cancer wards. The fuckin’ postman is here to Jingle you all the Way……TO HELL!
There you have it, the perfect heist movie. Michael Bay, get at me when you’re ready to start pre-production.